It’s time to take a quick break from sports because I had something happen to me this week that I need to share.
One of the best birthday presents I have ever received from my wife was an XM radio system for my car. For those of you who are familiar with this product you know that it is now called XM/Sirius Radio but to make it simple, I’ll just refer to it as XM for the rest of this column. And the comments I’ll make are not meant to be a plug for the system but just in case a high-level executive from XM happens to read this column, the name is spelled Blalock and I will gladly accept a couple of years’ free service.
The reason the present was and is so great is that I love music — all types and all genres.
Well, that’s not exactly true because I’ve never developed a love for opera and I detest rap but, then, that’s not music anyway. That’s the beauty of the XM system. No matter what mood I’m in, there’s a station or two dedicated to that type of music. Want to hear a little Perry Como — hit the 50’s station button. Classic country — button #7. Classical, bluegrass, 70’s, jazz- you name it, they’ve got it. There’s even some comedy channels (some x-rated, some not) and your classic talk radio if you’ve got a bone to pick with Bill O’Reilly. Heck, there’s even a station that plays nothing but Elvis music 24 hours a day. And the best thing is that there are no commercials at all.
The reason I’m ranting about the system so much is because I was forced to be without it one day earlier this week when my wife asked me to switch cars with her so that I could take it to Bob’s Tires (another shameless plug) and get her tires rotated. Now, Cindy has a very nice car and it has a lot of features that mine does not. BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE XM! I was stuck listening to FM stations and I had forgotten just how bad that was. Let me give you a small taste of what I went through that day in my effort to get some decent music to listen to.
I got in the car and was in the mood for a little country. I didn’t know Cindy’s radio settings so, I hit the scan button but I had the great misfortune for it to hone in on the signal to whatever station that hick, Moby, is the deejay for. What an embarrassment to the South that guy is. No wonder the rest of the country makes fun of us Southerners.
“Hi ya’ll doing, dear hearts? I went hunting early today and shot a possum in my pajamas. How that dern possum got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.” (My deepest apologizes to the great Groucho Marx for stealing that great line.)
Enough of that, I thought. Let’s get some classic rock and roll on. I hit the button just in time to hear, “You just heard 20 classic hits in a row. Before we get back to the music, let’s hear from one of our sponsors.
“Hi, everybody. This is Big Al from Big Al’s Furniture and Pet Imporium. Boy, have we got a deal for you today! If you’re one of the first hundred people to come into Big Al’s today and mention this commercial, we’ll give you an entire house full of furniture for the ridiculously low price of $399. You heard right! That’s bedroom furniture, kitchen furniture and furniture for the den for the low price of $399. Did I say $399? I meant $299 and you don’t have to pay a cent until 2016. We’ll even throw in a pet Chihuahua named Chico.”
I switched the channel only to hear, “You’ve just heard 50 songs in a row but here’s a traffic update.” I said to myself, maybe there’s something on AM, only to hear….. “Friends, Satan will tear you down (gasp). His evil ways (gasp) will dwelleth in you (gasp) and you will be smitten with sin (gasp). I hit another button back on the FM side.
“You just heard 100 songs in a row” and then another voice — “Hello, voters. I’m Horace Ledbetter (apologies to anyone really named Horace Ledbetter) and I’m running for County Commissioner. It’s time for a change in government and if you don’t vote for me, I’ll call your house everyday.”
Switch.
“Crazy Charley here at Crazy Charley’s Car Lot. Looking to buy a new or used car? Bring us anything in trade and we’ll take it. It doesn’t even have to be a car. If you find some road kill, put it in a bag and bring it in. We’ll give you $15,000 for it, no questions asked.”
Switch
“Caller, you’re on. What’s on your mind? Caller? Are you there? Don’t mess around with me caller! I’ll hunt you down and take out your whole family! CALLER!!”
Switch
“You just missed hearing 420 songs in a row of your favorite 60’s favorites but when we come back from the news, we will be converting this station to an urban hip-hop station and I’m sure all of you loyal listeners who enjoyed the greats like The Supremes, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, and other great 60’s artists will continue to tune in to hear the great song styles of artists like Lil Tommy the Thug, Hat on Crooked Lamar, Sista Tattoo, and Droopy Drawer Donald.”
Switch.
“Don’t vote for Horace Ledbetter. Vote for me, Lloyd Pimperton.”
The next sound was me clicking the button to turn off the radio entirely. I couldn’t wait for her to pull in the driveway that night. I ran out to the car and I’m sure she thought my enthusiasm was seeing her. I love ya, babe but I want my XM back.
Randy Blalock is a columnist for The Barrow Journal. Send comments about this column to rblalock@mindspring.com.
