“Welcome again football faithful to another edition of the ‘Post Game Call in Show.’ We’ll go over how our team did today on the gridiron and let you — the true coaching experts — have your say. Without additional delay let’s go to Bubba Bulldawg on Line 1:”
“I tell you what, I don’t know what’s wrong with all the coaches for our team. I mean, I could call plays better than our offensive coordinator. What in the world is he doing?”
“Moving on, let’s go to Line 2 and Big Red. Go ahead Big:”
“Look, I played football 30 years ago so that qualifies me on how to direct a program today. I also watch football on television every Saturday so I know a thing or two about coaching and let me tell you, our coaches ain’t getting the job done.”
“Well, let’s see, let’s go to Mr. Football on Line 3. Go ahead caller.”
“Ummm. Hello? Can you hear me?”
“We gottcha Mr. Football. Go ahead.”
“I’ve coached a little recreation level football, making my son the top player on the team and all and I think what they should be doing is running my defense. You know, the 4-4-4. It led me to some mighty successful seasons at recreation level play.”
“Wow, the callers are hot tonight. Let’s keep it going and move on to Mr. Know It All on Line 4. Go ahead Know It All.”
“We should fire the coach right now. Get rid of his assistants as well. I don’t care that we are graduating players and that our head coach is a decent man of character. Fire him. Fire them all.”
“Perhaps if we keep going, we’ll get one intelligent caller. Hmmm, let’s try Football Fan on Line 5:”
“I agree with what the others callers have been saying. I mean, I don’t watch the team practice, or break down game film or know how to formulate a game plan or even conduct a practice, but I know more than these coaches. They must go.”
“We’ll try this one more time. Let’s try William Walsh on Line 6. Please enlighten us.”
“The entire offense has to be scrapped. I remember back when I played 40 years ago we just lined it up and went three yards and a cloud of dust. If we didn’t get a first down, we knew the coach would take a 2x4 to our heads and…”
“Well that will about wrap it up for another edition of the ‘Post Game Call in Show.’ Thank you once again for all your helpful insights. I can assure you the coaching staff has someone taking notes and will put all of your helpful advice to work. Until next week along the network.”
•••
The funny thing is while the above is an obvious parody of a certain post-game college show that can be heard each Saturday in the fall, the comments from “callers” are not that far off base.
Since when does sitting in the stands with a bag of popcorn qualify someone to be a head coach? When did playing the game decades ago or heaven forbid, coaching recreation ball, qualify you to coach at a much, much higher level.
When did watching football on Saturday and Sunday make one an expert on coaching? It would be funny if these people didn’t take themselves so seriously. They actually believe they would do a better job than the head coach.
Years ago, when I first became hooked on talk radio, my mom told me (as she turned the station on the car radio away from it), “I’m not going to listen to someone on the radio whose only qualification is that they know how to dial a phone.”
It seems perhaps Mom does know best afterall.
Chris Bridges is sports editor of the Barrow Journal. You can reach him at cbridges@barrowjournal.com.
